Think of Me

You wouldn’t know this,

But when I dream, it’s still of you.

I find it funny that you were ever mine —

Funny in a breaks my heart kind of way.

 

I won’t call. I won’t look. I won’t ask.

But I can’t help but flinch when I hear your name,

Or relive a memory from that time when we were us.

 

Every love song reminds me of what could’ve been

But never was.

 

I won’t ask if you dream of me.

Measure a Year

 

304 days in this city,

So many now that the day to day

Is only a day to day —

A repetitive motion, in and out of the same,

The same alarms, and the same trains,

Day in, Day out,

Every day.

 

But last night wasn’t night 303.

Last night felt different —

Last night the city was alive and new.

Last night I met you.

You know one when you see one

Don’t think I’m blind —

I can see the circles that

I weave myself into thinking

About you.

Hoping for something different

But feeling so justified when

You rise to your own low expectations.

 

Don’t worry,  I’m aware of how pointless it is.

I feel it, every time I waste my time

Letting myself think about you —

I know that you don’t think about me

(Unless it’s late and there’s an empty space beside you).

 

I know I’m just a choice for you.

Not first, not second, not last;

Just an option that is

Better than nothing.

 

Missing You

It sneaks up on me sometimes,

The missing you.

It’s in the quiet moments,

The alone moments,

The reflective moments.

 

I remember your smile,

Or the way you raised your eyebrows when

You didn’t really have anything to say.

I remember your awkward laugh,

And how lucky I felt that you were mine.

 

It was never supposed to last —

I knew that from the start.

But I’m grateful to you for

Showing me that sometimes there are no games,

Sometimes first dates are magical,

And, sometimes, you can fall for someone who’s worth it.

 

Onto The Next One

It comes so easy,

The obsessing.

It’s a side effect of the paranoia.

That I’m not enough

Pretty,

Smart,

Fun,

Sweet;

Never Enough.

I try to talk myself out of it,

Laugh it off.

But the abandonment gnaws away,

Consumes my ability to brush it off,

Convinces me that no one stays

Because of me.

 

 

 

Sudden Heat

It’s a light touch,

An accidental graze, really,

The beginning of something new.

And I’m giddy,

At a graze, an accidental one,

Because it’s the first time I’ve touched you.

 

 

A story told too soon

You’re broken.

You don’t try to hide it, don’t try to swallow it down.

You wear it on your sleeve as a warning, as a message.

It’s beating and raw.

It’s impossible to miss.

And it’s not just one thing, it’s many.

The baggage follows you around, like mosquitoes that won’t quit.

It’s beating you, isn’t it?

It’s winning.

I want to be there for you, I want to see past it.

I want to believe that it’s only temporary,

Like the dirt surrounding a jewel.

I want you to shake it off, wake up, and be unburdened.

But I think I want it more than you do.

 

New Year

Within a day,

An entire year older —

A strange concept, isn’t it?

 

A night out —

For one night, the center of the universe,

Floating on an alcohol-infused fairy cloud.

 

And then I wake up.

An entire year older,

And still alone in my bed.

Part 2

When I think about you,

I think of your breath, hot on my neck.

I think of all the times we fooled around,

All the places — there were so many.

Do you think of them?

Does it make you smile?

I think of you whispering things into my ear —

Those things you know I wanted to hear.

I think of passion, and how I haven’t felt like that again.

I think of misguided love,

And broken hearts.

One broken heart

Mine.

 

 

I think of the girl you found after,

And how much she looked like me.

Hope for the lost

I miss you.

I hope you know that.

I hope that wherever you are, you get to see only the good in people.

I hope you get to see only the good in yourself.

I hope that all that pain, and all that fear

Is gone — washed away by that light you’re supposed to see.

I hope that you were reunited with the people you missed so dearly,

And I hope you found forgiveness for the others.

I hope that when you see me now, you’re proud,

Even though I’ve certainly done things not worthy of pride.

I hope you can look back on the world and smile,

Even though it was so hard while you were here.

I hope that people who go through tragedy are comforted where you are now,

And can see all the beauty that they were surrounded by even when times were dark.

I hope you see how much you were loved.

I hope we know how much you loved us back.

I hope you see I think about you all the time,

And that I realized too late just how important you were.

I love you, Oma.

I always will.